Insecurities 2.7

Welcome Myalogists, to the Worst Dinner Party in life, where I have created my own font, so y’all know where to sit.

Are you there God? It’s Me Issa.

If you are, please give me strength…and a cleaning service.

Our girl needs Jesus like no other this episode.  This was literally one loss after another with her.  First she has one of those conversations with Molly where two friends agree not to judge, while doing exactly that and their call ends icily.  Shortly thereafter, she gets a text from Tiffany, reminding her about Derek’s party and informing her that Lawrence is gonna be there, which she promptly screenshots and runs past Molly.  SAMESIES.  I’ve sent so many “do you see this shit” texts, that people should stop texting me ALL TOGETHER.  Not you, but definitely YOU.  She confers with Molly and tells Tif that it’s all good.  While getting dressed for the party, she receives a call from Daniel, who wants to apologize and get back on track with her.  They speak, an crack a few awkward jokes until he cracks the wrong joke.  Although I was not and remain not on deck for Issa’s overreaction, this muthafucka pulls me firmly onto her team when he suggests that now they are even:  his bruised heart for her sperm filled eye.  NO MUTHAFUCKA NO.  Issa checks his ass and hangs up.  Bye Daniel.  There is a big booty bank teller somewhere feeling the same way as you. FIND HER.  Issa arrives at the party determined not to drink, but Lawrence’s arrival takes care of that.  He walks into the party with his latest mistake, Arpana and the room falls silent until people start shuffling chairs and silverware to make room for the uninvited plus one.  Issa can’t take the heat and gets up and leaves the table only to be followed by Lawrence.  Out on the street, they have a knock down drag out blow out and BANG! POW! ZING!  This muthafucka gets around to calling her a hoe.  It woulda been so much slow singing and flower bringing if that was me — and I have the mug shot to prove it.  Soon, she returns home, full of so much righteous indignation, resentment, anger, jealousy and pain that she destroys her apartment leaving me to wonder: who the fuck finna clean that shit up?

Are you there God, It’s Me Molly? 

If you are, please give me discernment…and wipes for my bathroom romp.

Our girl is lost in the weeds.  This nigga Dro got keys to her crib that she lets him keep. JESUS WEPT! I hate this for her.  At the party, Molly is confronted with the cold dark reality of her relationship with Dro, and I am too.  I wanted to vomit in his mouf when he walked up on Molly and complimented her in his native Espanol-ays.  She had to watch him dote and fawn over his wife from the children’s end of the table, while she struggled to join the conversation.  Dro gets up to use the facilities and Molly is hot on his trail like 40 going North.  They talk in the john before he bends her over the sink in a display of how much love and respect he has for their relationship.  He then washes his dick off in the sink and tells her to hang back before she rejoins the group as to not arouse suspicion.  This moment reminds me of my favorite lyric from one of my favorite singers, Fiona Apple – “I want your warm, but it will only make me colder, when it’s over….” And colder she feels.  So cold that she finally speaks to her mom, who gives her the real on life and love and relationships in general: if a muthafucka make you feel special more than they hurt you, run with it. This conversation gives her the strength to end things with Dro….hopefully.

Are you there God? It’s Me, Lawrence.

If you are, please give me a brain.  That’s all.  Just a fucking brain. 

This dumb muthafucka.  Dumb, Mya? Well sure.  Let’s just track it.  He’s too dumb to NOT fuck with someone he works with.  He’s too dumb to run from Arpana, who tells the whole office their bidness and invites herself to a dinner party.  He says he doesn’t want to make the same mistakes he made before from jumping into things too quickly and a woman who will invite herself somewhere is a mistake he is SURE to make.  He’s too dumb to know that you don’t take a new bitch to a party when the only reason you were invited to said party is because the host and guest of honor are FRIENDS OF YOUR EX.  And he’s dumb cuz niggas shouldn’t be in head to toe denim in the seventeen.  jesus. I do like that he got up and went after Issa, as he had to know she was hurt.  But HER dumb ass was just too dumb and hurt to let him have his say.  And finally he is dumb, because you don’t expel one bit of energy calling the woman that held you down for years, the one thing you know she aint : a hoe, whatever that is…….

Session Notes:

• “Imma spray his face with cum eggs.”  Cum. Eggs.
• So Molly is gonna be dating a hilarious ass lawyer from the Chi with a passa’s body, right?
• GARRETTS!  Even tho that shit trash now, CHI TOWN STAND UP!
• I, I mean my friend, just smiled thru a review like Molly’s.  It’s a maddening thing to be an asset with no value.
• Molly, we don’t snatch tags off our friends clothes.  We tuck them.
• Issa Rae, I seent you in that Melody Ehsani jumpsuit during the Wine Down, Gurl.
• Issa and the school sitch has been resolved.  yay! I guess…don’t care.

KELLI

This co-love of my life, along with Rihanna, gets her own section of the recap:

• Kelli shopped at Forever 21 for her newboo’s jacket – the ladies section.
• She thinks they speak Hebrew at a mosque.
• “No this nigga didn’t.”
• She JUST recently found out that Biggie died.
• “When you die, Imma dance.”
• “Musta been a sell on denim.”
• “This carrot cake? So you hate us?”

SADDIQUENCIES