June 2016 – Myalogy

Powerful Niggatry

zyansaeed615 / June 29, 2016

We all saw him. His gloriously handsome face, spewing forth sentiments not usually seen on primetime television, and certainly not on a station that has been so destructive to the same people to whom he was so powerfully speaking. I dont mean to overstate the case, but watching him up there briefly made me feel echoes of what I felt when I watched another gloriously handsome black man command the stage on an unseasonably warm November night in Chicago, with his equally beautiful black family, primed to occupy a supreme position of power. Pride. Pure unadulterated pride. But y’all saw Jesse. All the think pieces done been thought; all the videos of the acceptance speech been shared and reposted – WE SAW YOU FACEBOOK AND YOUR FUCKT ASS CENSORSHIP ATTEMPTS and “woke bae” was typed ad nauseum. The intersphere will inevitably move on to the next fauxtroversey or black man in a wig skit, but NOT before doing the one thing y’all and y’alls cousins are so apt, so eager, so ready to do. Tear him down. Cuz thats what niggas do. Three things pissed me the hell off yesterday. They revolved around the following trite played out ass themes. He talkin bout white folks killing us, but not us killing us. Y’all only give a fuck cuz he light skinned/handsome. No one watches BET. Powerful niggatry at its best. Sigh. He talkin bout white folks killing us, but not us killing us. An old negroidian woman, who fancies herself a journalist and beloved fixture here in Chicago (and I suppose to people who still have 8 track players, she is indeed a beloved person) was the latest perpertrator of this fuckshit ass line of thinking, which she felt the need to share on Facebook. This man was talking about the oppressors of black folks, who have traditionally been the US government and its enforcement units, killing us and getting away with it. And here she come in all her “im old, but Im hip, hey sistagirl, what it do brothaman” glory, attempting to be radical, but revealing herself to be nothing but an Auntie Ruckus. She had so many lil cousin Ruckuses on the thread “amen-ing” her bullshit too, yall. I wish I could say I was shocked, but I wasn’t. Anytime anyone has ANYTHING to say about one of us getting shot down in the streets like a rabid dog, or suspiciously killing ourselves in a jail cell, some nigger will stand up and talk bout how we kill ourselves so how can we expect others not to kill us. Really? Is that really what you want to say? Does your dumb ass really not understand the difference in murder by cop and crime? BLM and Stop the Violence – these are two separate issues. How are you walking around without a helmet when you are unable to process the difference in these movements? They can and should co-exist, but they should NOT be compared. And lets be really really really real. Even if peace was achieved in every war torn city across this country and world, the oppressors would still be killing us, cuz they were killing us on the got damn Amistad, when we aint even know what a fucking gun was, so stop with the respectability bullshit. This person then went on to tell us, what regular folks aint doing in the hood while we applauding Jesse and his sentiments. Well ma’am. Just like a broke clock, you are wrong a 1,438 times a day. Alpha’s walking thru the hood. MASK. 10K Fearless. Organizations comprised of regular everyday working folks who wanna do better and effect change. The action this woman offered as proof of her concern, activism and righteousness? She doesnt kill people, which allows them to make it home to their families everynight. Well guess what dumb ass? Most of us are doing the same thing you are doing, including Jesse, so maybe y’all got more in common than your dumb ass thinks. Yeah, I said it! DISCLAIMER: That is her wack ass catchphrase and not mine…Im way too cool for that. Also this person has a pic of another Jesse as her FB cover photo; Mr. Jackson if ya old, uncool, ruckusy and think Stella Foster is a real journalist as opposed to simply being the assistant to a real journalist who died, upon which she assumed his position cuz she happened to be standing there and probs knows where some bodies are buried. Also, she is no longer in that position. Apparently she retired to give herself more time to write the shit she used to write in her column, on Facebook, FOR FREE. Y’all only give a fuck cuz he light skinned/handsome. Jesus H. Christ. Jesse Williams is a beautiful man. I dont know him, but it SEEMS his inside matches his outside. Many people just found out bout “woke bae” Sunday night, but bae been woke waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before that. If you were woke and your third eye wasnt focused on Scandal and the evolution of the sidepiece, you would know that. But I’m struggling with why his level of attractiveness is being used as a point of detraction. If he stood up on that stage looking like whoshotjohn, and said the shit he said, I’m willing to bet the reaction would have been the same. Kendrick Lamar isn’t an obvious sex symbol – he dont look shit like Woke Bae but didn’t your heart beat proudly at the sight of this? and then this? Thought so, so miss me with that handsome bullshit. And while I’m angry, as if I exist in any other state, what the fuck is you people’s problem with light skinned black folks? Seriously. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. YOUR. PROBLEM. WITH. LIGHT. SKINNED. BLACK. FOLKS. We aint legit? Only value we have is how light we are? Nothing we say or feel is important because our ancestors were

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Colonics: A Girlfriend’s Revenge

zyansaeed615 / June 14, 2016

Editor’s note: What follows is exactly true. And that I managed to survive and tell this tale is nothing short of a miracle. Relationships are hard. Anyone that has survived one or failed at one will tell you that. I can attest to that, having failed at many. There are times when you wanna squeeze a person so hard that all the air leaves their body, and there are times that you want to squeeze a person so hard that all the air leaves their body. I can also attest to this fact, as I have felt both ways about the person in my life. Ups and Downs. Highs and Lows. We’d been in a mid-low range when HE said the words that would inevitably alter our course forever: “I’m experiencing some discomfort. I think I need a colonic. Would you schedule one for me?” Now, immediately, we discuss his issues and the best method of addressing them. I shared with him my own experience with a colonic so he would know what to expect, although I dont think you can ever fully prepare someone, especially a man, to get violated in such a way. Nonetheless, he wasn’t feeling well and felt that this was something he wanted to do. Something he wanted to do so much, that he couldnt wait for me to fulfill his request, he booked it himself. I asked him if it was a closed system or an open one. He had no idea. Anyone that has ever had a colonic knows that open vs. closed is an important factor when deciding to get a colonic, but hey…he’s a man. Fast forward to the day of the main event….I asked if he wanted me to go with him, and he nonchalantly told me yeah…if I wanted. Now, again, I’ve been through this and I knew he had not. So of course I went. Best decision since I decided to jettison nursing school and take a part time job at a news organization where I made so little money, I was basically paying to go to work. Upon our arrival, I asked the receptor (is that what we call a male receptionist?) if the system was closed or open. He told me it was closed. My eyes danced with glee at this information. Again, I asked my beloved, who was just acting like a fucking crabapple in the car on the way cuz HE was running late, if he wanted me to go in the room with him, and as nonchalantly as before, he told me yeah…if I wanted. I almost broke out in a praise dance, SO crushing was the anticipation. I felt the way one possibly feels the night before their wedding or someone tells them that they have gathered 1000 pigeons in a box wired with C4 just waiting for you to detonate it. Don’t do that. I’m not the only one that wants to kill pigeons. Moving on…. We go on in the dimly lit room, with Gregory Abbott Pandora playing in the background, and he is told by a lovely woman with a GREAT crochet job, to go into the bathrooom and disrobe from the waist down, which he does. He comes out, hops up on the table and lays down. She begins to explain the procedure to him and shows him my new best friend….THE TUBE. Pause. Now….in the open system, you lay on a lovely table with a very small tube that goes in to your anus. Nope….he had the good old fashioned type. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. The technician, instructs him to take deep breaths, and I moved into position. Back behind him. His back to my chest. Think Lamaze. “Keep breathing,” she said. “WAIT!” he screamed out in anticipatory agony. “Thank you God,” I pettily thought to myself. “Aint my fault this fool wanna holler at me again cuz he booked a 345 appointment knowing he dont get off until 330.” And then….with the strength of Zeus, Hercules, Sojourner Truth, Attila the Hun, The Octomom, Andre the Giant and this dude , this muthafucka reached behind himself and almost ripped my head off when that tube entered his body. He broke out in a sweat that would have filled the Seven Seas. All them African villages Jay-Z provides with clean water would have had no worries for the rest of time. They would start sending water to other countries, with my baby’s sweat acting as an eternal water source. God bless his soul. I sprang into action, wetting paper towels with which to wipe his brow and keep him cool. I was the CONSUMMATE proud dad cheering his wife on in childbirth. “You’re doing great bae.” “Just breathe…keep breathing.” “Look at me…Im right here.” “I got you, you are doing so well.” I massaged his weary shoulders. I rubbed his wavy hair. Mid-colonic, he looked up at me with so much love in his eyes, so much truth, and earnestly said “Babe, I promise, I will never ask you for anal again.” Me and the tech looked at each other. She said to me, “My husband said the same thing during his first colonic!” The room erupted in laughter….except for one person. BAE — poor, sweet, was just snapping at me 45 minutes ago Bae –so traumatized….so bruised, so broken….laughter and joy were emotions that were once his BFFs, but now felt like strangers to him. As for me, I thought of every argument, every time he sent me to voicemail, every time he took his frustrations out on me, everytime he was late, everytime he made me watch him play pool on his phone, everytime I caught him lying, everytime he talked shit while I was watching the Real Housewives of Love and Hip Hop who Snapped. And I smiled…..I smiled yall. I swaaaaaaaaaayed to the music softly playing. I swayed yall. Behind his sweaty back, I smiled and I swayed. 30

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This is an Ape’s World

zyansaeed615 / June 1, 2016

Myalogists — I come to you half heartedly. I wanted to write something, but Im just too damn verklempt. It was actually hard for me to get out of bed this morning, not because I’m eighty years old and stayed out at the Foreign Exchange concert until damn near 1 ante meridian, but because Im just so dang sad. A dumb ass kid, one with no conceivable future, one who couldnt possibly have grown up to become anything, due to his worthless ass mama and convict daddy – a dumb ass kid caused one of life’s most magnificent gifts, since Prince, to lose his mundane life in a prison, which is where this dumb ass kid will likely end up. This is the biggest loss since Cecil the Lion and that pig you ate on Memorial Day. Future RIP to the big you are gonna eat on July 4. Anyway….stupid kid, with his lightening fast feet and un-adult brain, unable to process danger and complex thought. Ugh. Dumb dummy dumb kid. I wanna write about it, but again…too sad. Big sad. Not lil sad. Imma let Tone take this one on….. Tone, please tell me you got this…. James Evans died on Good Times. Rickey got killed on Boyz N The Hood. Now Harambe gets killed at the zoo. How much sadness can one brother take? Harambe had such a bright future ahead of him. He had just signed his housing papers for the dorms at Howard. He and his GF were prom King and Queen. Things had never been better. In fact things were so good for Harambe…. Wait, what was that? Harambe was a gorilla? So he wasn’t visiting the zoo, he actually lived there? Oh I get it now. I was kind of confused because judging from the fake outrage and indignation over his assassination (if Tupac and Biggie were assassinated then so was Harambe) then surely this must have been a human whose life was viciously snatched. But this was a gorilla. Whew. Ok I can save some of my fake caring for the next media generated crisis. Man Please. Let me start by saying, I get it. People needed something to be upset about. We are required by the Constitution of the United States to be morally outraged by something every 45 days. So when this lovable gorilla named Harambe was tossing a child around like a rag doll and banging the child’s head on rocks, who are we supposed to be upset with? That’s right, you guessed it, the parents. Because no child ever has ran off in a split second and gotten themselves in some trouble. Absolutely not. These are terrible parents and the media was 100% correct in bringing up the fathers criminal past. Because surely Harambe was a Department of Children and Family Services case worker and decided to take the child from them because the father got locked up before. In fact why didn’t the zoo workers shoot the dad instead of Harambe? That would have been justice. Now Harambe will never graduate from college, or drive a car, or walk his daughter down the aisle. Oh wait I forgot again, Harambe is a gorilla who lived in a zoo. I personally think zoos are cruel for animals like Harambe. He is, well, was (RIH bro, gone too soon) too big to be in captivity like that. However I don’t understand at all how people are calling for these parents to be charged or held liable financially for Harambes death. I know all life is supposed to be sacred but isn’t the general rule that when we have to choose between an animal life and a human one, we go ahead and ride with the human? Unless that changed overnight and Cesar and crew from Planet of the Apes took over this weekend. Where is this outcry when people are being gunned down purchasing coffee from Starbucks in Chicago? So far by my tally Black people’s lives are worth less than dogs, cats, dolphins and now gorillas. How about we all just chalk this up a tragedy that was averted because at last check Harambe was a MALE gorilla, who are naturally aggressive and very strong and could have killed that child. I’m sure that everyone who is FAKE BIG MAD would most certainly expect that if it were THEIR child that fell in the pit, that the zoo officials would take the SAME actions to ensure their child was safe. As a matter of fact if you don’t expect that then we should investigate YOU for neglect instead of these parents. I’m sure the zoo will find another Gorilla to replace Harambe (yes I know he was endangered but so are black people) so we can go ooh and ooh at him. Well that’s all for now. I will see you all in 43 days when its time to be mad about something else dumb. #BlackLivesMatterSometimesButNotMoreThanGorillasApparently #GoneButNotForgotten #TheGoodDieYoung #TheZooWontBeTheSame