March 2015 – Myalogy

Ain’t she a woman? No. But She Plays One on TV and Twitter.

zyansaeed615 / March 24, 2015

One of my best friends in the world, Gee, is an incredibly brilliant, resilient, worldly man, wise and valuable to me beyond measure – and he and I agree on absolutely nothing. I mean nothing. He probably wouldn’t even agree with that description of him I just wrote. Conversely, if he says up, I’m gonna fucking say down with all the great vengence and furious anger of Jules Winnfield. Today’s impasse came courtesy of Ms. Mo’ne Davis, WHO I WROTE ABOUT IN MY LAST BLOG YOU DID NOT READ. In my LAST BLOG POST YOU DID NOT READ NOR COMMENT ON, NOR SHARE, NOR LIKE ON FUCKING FACEBOOK FOR CHRISSAKES IT ONLY TAKES A MINUTE FUCKAS. YALL SWEAR I NEED MY OWN SHOW OR SHOULD WRITE A FUCKING BOOK BUT WONT EVEN SHARE THE FUCKING POST I TAKE THE TIME TO SHARE WITH YOU FUCKING LIARS!!!! Ahem, in my last post I wrote about all the moves this phenomenal young lady is making. Making history, writing books, film consultation, design and philanthropy, just to name a few of her, what Nene would call ACK-YOU-LAIDS. Since I wrote that article, a person I will only refer to henceforth as Fuck Tard took to his twitter to call her something you don’t call a 13 year old girl even if she is acting like one. A 13 year old is a child. Even a black 13 year old. I’m not gonna repeat that shit and I’m happy to report that a number of the media outlets I enjoy didn’t report it either, so if you wanna know what it is, you gonna have to look it up yourself. Only thing that moved swifter than Mr. Tard removing his tweet was his school’s president removing his dumb ass from his collegiate baseball team. Instead of Fuck having to go on an “I’m Sorry If” tour, the media sought out our baby for a response – Our 13 year old baby. At 13 I was asking God if he was there, and figuring out a way to “must increase my bust” (hey judy), instead of commenting on national affairs and social issues. But, whatevs, the media called and she answered. Because she is the class act and the role model that many of our male black athletes feel they don’t have to be, she took the high road – cuz what other road would she take? She forgave him for his actions and said everyone makes mistakes. Cool. Good answer, lil mama. She then went on to say SHE felt bad that HE got dismissed and she wrote the school to ask that he be reinstated. *cue the bride music* That last bit pissed me the fuck off. This reeks of extending a hand in love – sideeye. Of forgiving your rapist because he’s not strong enough to control his impulses. Of forgiving your child’s murderer because he was just doing his duty protecting his neighborhood. And I don’t like the smell of that shit. However, I have a tendency to overreact to things and because I know he is often on the other side of the spectrum, I hit up Gee and asked what he thought of that, already knowing what he thought. He didn’t disappoint. He said all the shit we all know. She’s perfect. Birthed from babies breath and angel tears. Class Act. Mature beyond her years. I then asked if she should have asked that Tard be re-instated. He said yes, again, because 1. it would never happen and 2. brilliant pr – it makes Fuck look a million times worse than he looked on his own. Cool. While I don’t agree, I don’t disagree. We ended the convo with him telling me I was Malcolm. Fine…good night Martin. This morning I awoke to read that Damon over at Very Smart Brothers shared my view. I tagged Gee in the post. Reliably he found fault with it and challenged me. “No excuse for what that dude said!! It’s sad and gross to say the least. Here’s my question though. On TV, how are Black women portrayed? Name 5 of the Top shows with black women leading. What are they doing? Let that sink in.” I love my friend. Honestly. But I wanna implore him and everyone else to kill the black woman on television narrative. Ask me to talk about Shonda Rhimes, not Olivia Pope. Ask me to talk about Tamron Hall, not Mary Jane. Ask me to talk about Cathy Hughes, not Cookie. Ask me to talk about Loretta Lynch, not Annalise. Ask me to talk about Michelle Obama and not ‘Bow. See Mo’ne is a real little girl. A real live living person like Shonda, Tamron, Cathy, Loretta and Michelle. People that go out in the world everyday as a black woman which Mo’ne has been forced to do to early. Women who I talk to my nieces and lil cuzzins about. Those other people are just characters, more prevalent possibly because they are fed into our homes, but imaginary none the less. But since I’ve been tasked and I am the Playa President of The Mya Seals debate team, who am I not to follow thru? 1. Olivia Pope. A prominent D.C. Fixer. Got a man elected president. Handles problems. Runs shit. Sin? Sleeping with a man that didn’t belong to her. 2. Annalise Keating. Highly sought after defense attorney. Much lauded law professor. Mastermind. Sin? Sleeping with a man – she couldn’t trust. 3. Mary Jane. Host and Producer of her own cable news show – a cable news show she just insisted be devoted to issues affecting black America and black women in particular. Devoted daughter. Go-getta. Sin? Sleeping with some men. 4. Cookie Lyon. Brilliant record company exec. Mother. Wounded, betrayed animal. Sin? Honestly, alot, but chief amongst them? Sleeping with a man that got her sent to prison. 5. Rainbow “Bow” Johnson. Anesthesiologist. Doting mother. Wife – the

Recaps

The Week You Missed

zyansaeed615 / March 20, 2015

I open with an homage to one of my favorite shows, Shameless….. While you were busy extending your hand in love and getting ya bracket busted, here’s what you missed. Stephen A. Smith (R-ESPN) wants your vote. Mr. Smith had a dream. He dreamed that for one, JUST ONE, election his fellow black people would break the chains of slavery and mental oppression and vote republican. I know…I know, what you are thinking. How the Republican Party has shown nothing but contempt and treasonous behavior for our beloved messiah. How the Republican Party has shown ZERO interest in courting us, never buys us flowers, never uses Vaseline. Won’t even spit on it first. Obliterates budgets and programs aimed at helping us pick ourselves up by our bootstraps. How they write “secret” racist emails about us, and about our first family. How inclusive they are of blatantly racists groups and fundraisers. But…Mr. Smith feels like we are disenfranchising ourselves by literally telling them with our long-standing democratic support that we don’t give a damn about the Republican Party. I get what he is saying. I really do. Neither party at the end of the day gives a fuck about our plight; the Democratic Party doesn’t, because like he said, they got us. We are their long-suffering side chick. No one goes the extra mile for their side chick, until that bitch pulls up stakes and leaves. But much like Karrueche, where are we going? To the party that gave us Alan Keyes, Herman Cain and Stacey Dash? We ain’t that damn Clueless. (RIMSHOT!) Like our lives, our schools matter too. While the relevancy of HBCUs (Historically Black Colleges and Universities) is often discussed amongst us, a predominantly black community college in Chicago is making waves on the national front. Kennedy-King College (KKC), a school in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city, has just been awarded the “New Rising Star Institution Award” from the Aspen Institute. The institute, an educational and policy studies organization whose mission is to foster leadership based on enduring values and the discussion of critical issues, bestowed the honor on KKC after the school increased its graduation rate by 50% in just five years – more than tripling its rate in 2010. The Vice President of Aspen’s College Excellence division said he has NEVER seen this type of rapid improvement. Kennedy King will take home $100,000 to support its various educational programs. Congrats, my young gifted and black grads! Empires Build Power. I would cut FIF a check for that witty inspiration, but he a B.A.N.(use your vowels), and I don’t like his ass. Yep! The Empire broke the internet this week. Literally, it broke Twitter. Yasssssssssss, negative stereotypes. Yassssssssssssss, dysfunction. Yasssssssssssssssssssss, ugh boys kissing boys. Pffffft…..It’s just no winning with some of yall. Five years ago, there were literally NO shows on primetime network television with black leads. Now there are. The naysayers are the same ones that would have petitioned to get Amos n’ Andy off the air and perhaps rightfully so. But Amos n’Andy begat I Spy and Julia. And they begat successful entrepreneur George with his deeeeluxe apartment in the sky he shared with his beautiful, regal dark skinned wife. And they begat the good doctor, his savvy attorney mate and their educated brood. And they begat the Queen and her roommates and Yoba’s ashy lips. I’m not suggesting Empire is perfect, I’m just saying; sit on it for a moment. Mary Jane, Olivia, Annalise and Cookie are proving to the world and more importantly the advertising community that we can carry a show and a MUTHAFUCKIN network. I imagine more stories are coming down the pike. And if you don’t like the ones that are currently on, THEN WRITE ONE. Throw It Like Davis That lil green eyed bandit that stole ALL of our hearts during the Little League World Series is out here doing her THANG. Ms. Mo’ne, the first young woman to throw a shutout in little league world series history; the first little leaguer to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated, is OUTCHERE doing big thangs. Next on deck for our baby, after publishing her book, “Remember by Name“, is her own movie! Yasssssssssssssssssssssss. “Throw Like Mo” on which she will serve as a consultant, is a film about her life set to air on the Disney Channel. Ms. Davis, whose external beauty is, clearly only rivaled by her internal beauty, is also designing her own shoe line, which will benefit underprivileged girls. She is producing the line with M4D3 (Make a Difference Everyday) and a portion of the sales will go towards Because I Am A Girl, a program that combats child poverty and promotes gender equality globally. This girl makes my fucking ovaries cry. Check her dope ass kicks out here. Aiight…I’m out. Pay closer attention to what’s going on out here, so I don’t have to keep telling yall’s asses.

Recaps

Did I Watch Empire or Drop Acid?

zyansaeed615 / March 19, 2015

But…. See… Now how they….They ain’t said shit bout…Awwww, hell naw…..Oh Shit…Wait who is that…..Is this nword singing…..WHITE WALKER? This was my internal dialogue last night during THE Empire. Those 5 of you that follow this blog know that I am not very faithful to it. It’s hard for me to write when I’m not inspired to do so. I usually just share my genius with the world via Facebook, which will never make me any money. So when Gaylane told me to get off of Facebook last night and dedicate myself to gem dropping on my own post, I did. It keeps the lights on in my place of employment and I encourage you to continue to watch it (like I had to). However, I’m not a superfan of the show. From the onset it just felt like the writers were throwing everything at you at breakneck speed. I made allowances for that during the pilot. The pilot is your best shot – ya gotta give it all you got. Couple weeks in, it settled into itself and found a groove. But last night, it seemed to have returned to pilot form with the writers saying, “hey, all that shit we didn’t fit into the last 9 episodes, throw it in.” The result was a fever dream for me. I was having so many what the fuck moments….and now, in no particular order, for your reading pleasure, here they are….. Did this child just sing at a rap battle? This gave me agita from the top of the scene. I felt an 8 Mile rip off coming. And off it came. My lil nephew from the D told me that while it does not often happen, it is not unheard of for someone to sing at a battle. I hope he was lying to me. And who exactly wrote, Boo-Boo is it, who exactly wrote his rhymes? I heard music industry people are heavily involved creatively in this show….they need to get more heavily involved. Boo-boo’s battle rap was straight gah-bige. Jamal’s song wasn’t much better. Hip Hop is too homophobic, they would have ran his ass straight up outta there. My Name ain’t Squeak. It’s Mary Alice. This fool Lucious dropped a bomb on us!!!! A bomb that exploded with the full force of a piece of tissue landing on another piece of tissue. His real name is White Walker. Awwwww shit, Lucious bout to pop up in Game of Thrones!!! Yes, it’s on like Donkey Kong!!!!! Oops, that’s just T. Howard’s grating ass voice causing confusion – his bad, DWIGHT Walker. Changed his name because the world would have torn up a Dwight, but not a Lucious. Mmmmmmkay. For one, no one cares. And for two, no one cares. This added nothing to the story. Present Time! Who doesn’t love a present? I know I do. I would be so excited opening a big assed gaudy gold chain. Or a big assed gaudy gold stick to represent a donation to a foundation. Or a big assed gaudy gold whatever the hell that was he gave Jamal to symbolize his takeover of Empire – which btw, why is a successor needed again, now that he ain’t dying? But what confuzzled me in this scene was his gift of a pillow to Cooks. Ummmm, ma’am, you JUST (I assume, cuz what’s a timeline to this show) tried to smother him – with a pillow. Did it not dawn on you to ask WHY he was giving you a pillow? Did you not know the jig was up at that moment? And Lucious….you stayed cool with her thereafter for WHAT reason exactly? 4. JHUD Psychiatrist? Counselor? Church Girl? Singer? Performer? Miracle Worker/Healer who healed Andre in record time just by playing the piano with him? All of the above? Listen, I may be in the minority here, but I’m not a fan. I’m not quite sure who her fan base is. I mean we all root for the hometown kid, with that tragic assed backstory. I wanna see her win allllllllllways allllllsthetimes. But, if I never saw her perform in anything ever again, that would be okay with me too. She ruined the Sex and the City movie for me. RUINED IT. So glad Andre is back with his chick….I hope to never see her again. White Women Can ALWAYS Call the Police No further commentary required. Jamal Knight Couple weeks ago, Bender (get it?) straight went Omar (get that?) on Lucious when they met up in the skreets for their lil sword swinging session over whatever the hell they were beefing bout. Now, a couple weeks later (again, cuz what is time?) Jamal busts up in his joint and Vanilla Ice’s him annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd nothin? No retribution? No dance off? No rap battle? No gun fight? Nah son. I ain’t going. It’s a crap ton of other moments that had me fucked up, like the ENTIRE second hour. The first hour was a good as this show gets. If it ended with Cookie getting that pillow, that would have been a perfect ending and I would have stood up, okay, I would have SAT up and gave a slow clap. But that second hour had me questioning my sobriety. All I know is hostile takeover, crystal vs. alexis smackdown, lucious in jail. I’m encouraged tho. This runaway hit has gotten a full season order and they now have time to flush out characters and storylines. Season two should be awesome. Oh, one more thing, if you see Becky out in them skreets, tell her no one cares her mother is white and moreover, no one believes her. POWER TIME!!!!!!!

Uncategorized

You Aint Black As Me

zyansaeed615 / March 18, 2015

Some of the pro-black crowd are the nastiest, most vile, demeaning people I have encountered on The Good Book. And I say that having electronically lived through Trayvon, Mike Brown, Eric Garner, Ray Rice, JRW and fucking Afroman. Note: if you are unable to understand descriptive or qualifying words, such as the FIRST word in the post, stop reading now, cuz you’re gonna get pissed cuz you think I’m talking about you. In the event you do think that, it’s because I am. Yesterday was one of those days that separates the men from the boys, the mouth breathers from the Mensa society, left from right, sisters and brother, creationists and the science community, Biggies and ‘Pac-ers: St. Patrick’s Day. Yes, a day no one really gives a fuck about, lead to me and several other participants being called: stupid, lost, pathetic, pitiable, uncultured, unaware and a whole lot of other un-words. Yep, because some folks wore Green, had a drink with Seamus O’Brien, marched in a parade, dared to cite their Irish ancestry, we ain’t black as those that didn’t participate. A bitc—misguided young lady even had the nerve to suggest I had Stockholm Syndrome. EL OH TO THE MUTHAFUCKING EL. Me? Stupid? An accusation made by a stranger no less? Mya? Mya Seals? Mya Courtney Seals? Mya – who was educated in some the best MAJORITY BLACK (Beasley, Whitney Young – look it up) schools in Chicago; Who knew the names and products of over 50 black inventors by the age of 9; whose Mother made sure her education didn’t stop in the classroom and taught me about the ancient civilizations of Africa before I knew algebra; who attended not one, but TWO HBCUs…yeah, I could go on, but I’m not cuz I don’t have to defend nor prove who I am, nor what I know. So good, we clear on the fact that I ain’t stupid. Amirite? What I am tho, is tired. Me participating in the St. Patrick’s Day parade doesn’t make me any less black than your dreadlocks make you down with the cause. From where I’m standing, if you were SO about your people you would turn these moments – Patty’s Day, Cinco de Mayo (which I’m celebrating the FUCK out of, so get ya meme game tight), et. al, into building moments. But, nope…….because you are so nasty and vile, you choose to name call and take yet another opportunity to draw a black ass line in the black ass sand. To explain to me why I ain’t black as you. Why my black ain’t good enough. Why? “If you wore green today, but don’t ever wear red black and green – KILL YO SELF!” – What if I wore green on Sunday, am I still black and do I still have to kill myself? “If you celebrated St. Patrick’s Day, but didn’t celebrate Black History Month – KILL YO SELF!” – Okay, but I did Black History posts every day during February (well I started off doing them), I went to church First Sunday – my very Unashamedly Black and Unapologetically Christian church for the special service, so do I still have to kill myself? “I don’t see any other culture celebrating King Day, so if you celebrating theirs – KILL YO SELF!” Well which is it, are we partying on King Day or not? Cuz, I’m ALWAYS down to get drunk and party. You look down with great disdain when them MLK party flyers hit the scene, but how else will the masses know that it’s muthafuckin party time!!!! Also, please advise, I worked on King Day. Does that make me blacker in your eyes, cuz I didnt celebrate the day “The Man” gave to us after ordering the murder of our beloved leader or loyal to my massa and do I still have to kill myself? Sigh….. And it doesn’t stop at the holidays. Last week I saw a post that hung Kendrick “I Want A Darker Girl In The Video” Lamar in effigy, cuz he was on the cover of Rolling Stone with a girl that looked like me, or at least her hands and belly were the same color as mine, cuz that’s all you could see of her. This is a problem, cuz I and this cover model ain’t blackity black black black. Sorry Kendrick, you ain’t black enough either for letting this happen. This discussion, like most when discussing the relative blackness of anything, devolved into what I described before: name calling; disrespect – yet again it was suggested someone was stupid; and a cesspool of negativity. It’s sad that our one common trait – cuz black people ain’t a monolith – our one common trait, our blackness, regardless of if you are my color or lupita’s – is the one thing WE use to divide ourselves. And nastily at that. I’m gonna go now. For one, I have to check on my friend Brendan, who went out with his co-workers to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. I need to make sure that he is still black. And for two, I have to check on the progress of a story I pushed to be on the air about a young black girl makin moves OUTCHERE. I also need to make sure that we cover that story I told Dar about regarding Kennedy King College being in the running for the nation’s top award for achievement and performance in community colleges. And fucccccccccccccccccck, I gotta hit up Micaeh to see if we can get pull some Dolphin power together to get her Oscar-winning black client on the morning show. I work everyfuckingday to make sure the right images of my people are shown where I work and where the world can see them, but these green jeans I wore yesterday prove my lack of blackness. Suck all the dicks, losers.